a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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