They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
