I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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