when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
