is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
