On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
