remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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