I'm so fucking centered right now
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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