I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
