Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
