if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
You can't motorboat a personality
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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