I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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