i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
