after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
