She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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