He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
