Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
