Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
