do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
