I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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