Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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