I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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