my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Randomize
