I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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