I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
