I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
