Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
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