I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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