Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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