I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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