I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
