Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
