the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
