i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
