I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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