she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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