Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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