You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
