who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
