Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
