Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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