My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
