Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
You're like the curious george of whores
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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