I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
