Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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