At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
