I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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