i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
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