he thought i was a dude.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
