it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
