You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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