apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
