If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I feel like a drive thru vagina
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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