Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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