God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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