I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
why does every cop we meet know your name?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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