I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
