so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
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