What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
