Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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