so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize