I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
