I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
